“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say,“Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day,for darkness is as light with you.”
It was completely dark, silent for the first time and I was utterly alone. I laid down in bed for and it hit me, I was motherless. That morning I had seen her lifeless body in the morgue, closed the coffin on the only type of family I understood and began making arrangements for others to mourn. I spent hours greeting people who tried to console me, I made more appetizers and meals than an army could eat just to feed all the “guests” showing up the house that I hadn’t been home to in over 6 months. I was jet-lagged from the 23 hours I had spent traveling from Rwanda back to North Carolina and I was alone. My bed didn’t feel quite as soft and warm as before, my home didn’t feel inviting and safe, nothing was the same. It was the first time I had a chance to cry, the first time I had a chance to feel and I felt alone.
In a moment of utter darkness and complete loneliness the Father’s presence came like never before. Words can’t describe the immensity of closeness, connection, security, and holy fear I felt laying there on the brink of sleep. It was the first time in my life where the words in Pslam 139 felt true and weren’t just “hoped true.” Even at my worst moment, my most forgotten and lonely place He was there. His presence was surrounding and safeguarding. Even disparity couldn’t keep me from his peace and tragedy couldn’t hide me from his love.
Maybe today you feel alone, maybe tragedy has taken it’s grip on you, or maybe you’ve just been avoiding his Presence because it’s too hard to deal with your “mess.”
Cling to these words today, you aren’t tackling this adventure by yourself, your decisions have not left you lost, you cannot hide from his presence, and you’ve never been alone.