Everyone tells you how much having a baby will change your life but they never tell you how much it will change your heart. There is magic in motherhood and I had no idea someone so little would bring such mystery and marvel to my days.
I was exactly 36 weeks pregnant and my company was hosting a baby shower for me when my water completely broke. I’m not kidding. It was like what you see in the movies; a girl standing in a dress talking to all her friends at HER OWN baby shower when out of nowhere a flood ruptures from her body. I had just spent the previous day in the back of a safari truck feeding giraffes and rhinos at the zoo so to find my shoes flooded and hear everyone scream “we’re having a baby” was a little shocking to say the least.
I called Nick in tears as I stuffed towels between my legs, I could not wrap my mind or my heart around what was happening. I was NOT ready. Sure, our nursery was set up, the clothes were washed, and his first outfit was picked out but our breakfast dishes were in the sink, our hospital bags sat empty and I was not ready to become a mom. I thought I had AT LEAST another 2 weeks before I had to step into a new life but as I’ve learned time and time again some of the best things are birthed out of unexpected beginnings.
We checked in at the hospital, called our parents to bring a few things from our house and were told to let Lincoln do his thing overnight. After the shock settled I got in the shower and let the water wash over and out of me. Tears were pouring from my face, evidence of new life trickling from below and water washing it all away. That shower was a holy experience for me. Fear, anxiety and unknowns were consuming me as I knelt down in that shower to surrender. I sought the Lord and he heard me, he heard my cry and he answered me. “Though weeping endures for the night, your joy comes in the morning…” I stood up with a new strength, my little Lincoln was not going to welcomed into this world with fear and anxiety.
Lincoln was born 28 hours later, a healthy 7.4lb premie and can I be honest…it wasn’t love at first sight. Everyone told me the second you see your baby you will feel love like you never have before. After a pretty traumatic birth all I could think was “BREATHE CHILD” and then “holy crap, that came out of me…” They rushed him off to the NICU team to get his heart rate down, stitched me up after 2 hours of pushing and just as things were calming down it was time to feed him. By the time we made it to the recovery room I was spent, all I wanted to do was sleep and that’s when it hit. That’s when I realized what I had been so afraid of for so long, that I wouldn’t be selfless enough to be a good mom. I knew motherhood would be change my life and require so much more of me than I’m always willing to give but I didn’t know it would all happen so instantly. In a matter of moments he became the most important thing I’d ever done, the most demanding person of my days and the greatest love my heart could fathom and it was magic.
One of my friends asked me the other day how I overcame my fears of becoming a mom and all I could say was; “I just did it, I became a mom.” I know it’s not the best advice but it’s true. I knew my schedule, my hours, my sleep, my free time, my meals and my conversations would change but I didn’t know how much bigger my heart would get, how selfless I would become or how deep love could be until him.
The best part is that this is just the beginning, every day this little guy is teaching me more about myself and the world than I’ve ever known before. This blog is many things but most importantly it’s a safe place to share real life. Expect to read heroic tales of motherhood, be inspired by beautiful images and to grab tips for your photography sessions in the time we share ahead.