I knew this day would eventually come, I just didn’t expect it to make me question my entire identity.
For years I’ve been pursuing my passion of being an entrepreneur and growing my photography business. I didn’t expect to meet a guy who would fall perfectly in place with my passion and help push me to be a better business owner in every way. I couldn’t have planned for a move to California that would shake my entire foundation and basically force me to start from scratch again while working a full time job so I could afford to live in a new city. I couldn’t have planned for all the wonderful venues, brides, clients and connections I made in my first 2 years in the San Diego industry. And, I couldn’t believe it when I peed on a stick and saw we were expecting our first baby just 8 months ago.
Thrill and fear instantly took over my mind. It took me a long time to get to this point, years of late night conversations and long walks talking about our future for me to embrace motherhood. You see, I’ve always known I would be a mother, I’ve always had a heart for children, adoption, foster care, for raising little wild ones. It’s just that when it became a real possibility I was paralyzed with fear. I have never been afraid of becoming a mother but I’ve been terrified of becoming JUST a mother. I’ve spent the last 12 years of my life fearlessly chasing my dreams, being fulfilled in exploration and pursuit. I have a new idea everyday, my list of “Shark Tank” ideas grows weekly, I see myself as so much more than I am right now. I have unexplored passions, dreams and goals yet to be started and I started believing the lie that being a mother took all of that away.
I had a severe identity crisis the first trimester of my pregnancy. You would often find me sitting on the couch tearing up as I listened to the lies fill my head and bleed into my heart. “You will have to give everything up,” “This is your new life now,” “It’s time to stop dreaming so you can make your kids dreams come true…” “You can’t have a new baby and run a business, you will have to wait until your kids are older to start pursing your dreams again.” The lies were endless and they were consuming me. I tried to quell my fears by searching social media (my greatest source of false truth) to see if it was possible and came out with more comparison and doubt that I started with. Nick looked at me one night over dinner and said; “what’s going on in your head…” I immediately started crying (hormones of course) and said; “I don’t see anyone doing this…I don’t know anyone that is in THIS stage. I see tons of successful business owners who are moms of older children and I see plenty of people who are killing it without kids but I don’t see anyone here, anyone about to have a baby and pursuing their business. How do I do this? Will having a baby make clients not want to book us to photograph their wedding? Will our business be devalued because we are starting a family? Can I really be a Momtrepreneur?”
He took a deep breath, grabbed my hand and said: “Have you ever been alone in this?”
He was speaking the truth I needed to hear, the truth I’d been hiding from since the day I found out I was expecting. I have never been alone in this, in any of this, in any of my dreams and adventures, I have never been left alone. The truth is that my heart is to raise children who whole heartedly believe they can live out their dreams and the only way to do that is to show them that I am too. Our lives are going to change, I’m not afraid of new routines and schedules but I was living with the lie that my heart only had so much space. Our days will feel shorter, longer, out of control, full of excitement and exhaustion but our dreams and business will carry on. Just because I haven’t surrounded myself with people doing THIS doesn’t mean they aren’t out there, I am not alone. I am not the first wedding photographer to have a baby nor will I be the last. Having a baby doesn’t change my art, skills, talent or creativity it just amplifies it!
Practically speaking this just means we aren’t accepting any weddings until July to give us time to bond with our little guy and get accustomed to our new normal. This blog will continue to showcase our beautiful clients and share content that is helpful for brides but it will also share our lives as they really are. I may constantly battle with wondering “am I doing the right thing for my business and for my family” but, I’m going to just pursue it relentlessly and hope you’ll stick around for the journey! It won’t be perfect but it’ll be authentic and fun!
In case you’re wondering too, Yes, you can be a Momtrepreneur and so can I!