5th Grader.

Dear One,

I know today was tough.

I know you woke up and rolled out of bed, already out of breath. The walk to the mirror so dreaded—It’s hard to see something reflect all of you—you see yourself so wrong.

Yeah…I know…you keep finding them, those imperfections screaming you’re so unworthy, so unloved.

That toaster strudel tastes divine, comfort and dread being swallowed at the same time, you’ll hate yourself later.

I see you hiding beneath that jacket, keeping to the corners of the hallway, hoping no one will laugh at you today. I know sweat is staining your shirt and all you want is to be back in bed under your covers, where the world can’t see you.

I hear the whispers of your peers, the names they call you, if you only knew what He said about you, who you really are–their jeers and comments would cease to define you.

I know you’re hiding in the aisles at Walmart, a mere 9 years old and finding your clothes in the ladies section. The size doesn’t seem real, you wonder how you’ll ever share clothes with your sister when your pants read “16.” There’s nothing quite like a number to define you and you’re learning this horrid lesson far too soon little one.

I know it’s so lonely getting picked last for everything and wishing the day to hurry away, you have no friends and school is the loneliest of places. Embarrassment keeping relations from your life.

Oh little one, I see you sneaking those diet pills, hoping that handful will bring a miracle—the pain those pills will bring you later, you can’t even fathom.

I see you, you stand out  in a crowd. I feel all eyes on you, parents wondering how you happened. How all those extra pounds appeared. If only they knew, if only they experienced the tragedies you’d been through already, then they might understand.

I know the only comfort you find is in food, oh dear one true satisfaction is yours to discover–you’ll see.

I ache in your loneliness, you’re hiding who you are, convinced worthless is your definition. OH dear one, your value is beyond compare, you have never been alone.

I see the tears streaming down your face, just let them run little one, let them pour out, a river of heart ache. You hear them repeat that number over and over, it’s the worst kind of song you can’t stop singing over yourself, you’re letting the scale control you.  OH little one, you are so loved, you’ve never heard it the way you need.

I feel that little heart of yours beating, it feels like your chest might explode. You’re tripping up stairs trying to exercise in secret. OH little one, I wish someone would wrap you in their arms.

I see your anger–I feel you punch your stomach until bruises break skin, if only the pain would take it away, you can’t help but come more aware.

I feel the weight of scrutiny you are under every day, you can’t eat without comments from those you love the most. The ones’ supposed to love you despite it all are forcing you to extreme measure without realizing it.

I watch as you age, as you grow, the struggle continues. Oh little one don’t starve yourself, how I feel the hunger pains spreading throughout your frame. Your body growing as desperate as your soul. You’re at the end, I see you trying to purge, laxatives always in hand. You’re breaking my heart little one– if only you knew, If only you could see yourself through my eyes. You’re so broken, so alone, so defeated. Fear is crippling and you’re crumbling. Oh little one. 

I hear you wonder if this will ever change, you wake up before the sun to exercise, I know you can’t stop moving, it’s your last hope. You spend hours at the gym, you’ve exhausted every fiber of your being but you keep pressing on, keep trying–to what end?

I know you’ve felt nothing but compared, you’re perfectly petite sister, she’s the star. You can’t escape the reminder, she’s beautiful and you’d rather not be seen. I wish you could see your immense beauty little one.

OH dear one your tears pouring out, you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror, the battle never ceasing. Everyday promises more disappointment, I feel you wishing your life away, planning an end.

Take heart dear one, press on you audacious little one for great reward is ahead.

The struggle may not have an end but you have a future beyond this battle. You will see change, you will feel the pounds begin to shed. Time will be your closest friend and will bring the slow and necessary change. Those extreme measures come at a great cost, your health will suffer for those choices but your proper hard work will pay off. I know you wish you could go back and change everything but He has created in you a heart you wouldn’t have without this struggle.

Dear one, you must know–you were never alone in your loneliness, you were never once unloved. You will find value and worth in Him who is the definition of those words. He has never left your side, He was with you as you swallowed those pills, He sat there as your tried to purge, His heart broke as you tried to starve yourself of nourishment, He wept as you thought about ending your life. He spoke words of life over you when you were at the end, He instilled value and confidence in you as those around you mocked and jeered. He held you in those dark places as you fell apart, He wrapped you in His arms when you couldn’t go on. This unyielding battle will continue to be fought but you will not be deferred by it’s attack. You will over come that fearful shame and one day feel the immensity of your beauty. You will believe in your value and find your worth, you will overcome. You were not forgotten and will never be forsaken. He has always been there, you have always been His little loved one.

Dear little one, I know because I am you.